7 Signs Your Marriage is Over and You Need to Move On

 

Two years ago, I divorced my husband. I woke up one day and decided I’d had enough of the aggression, constant arguing, and the never-ending cycle of broken promises.

‘Surely you saw it coming,’ one might say. Surely you didn’t just wake up one day and decide that today was the day?’

That’s correct. In reality, according to research, and as highlighted in an article by Divorce Mag, women generally plan their exit strategy up to two years in advance, leaving their partners feeling caught off guard.

It’s a combination of noticing signs that their marriage is over, having a gut feeling that they’re ready to move on, or simply realizing that the roads of that relationship don’t all lead to happiness.

So, how does a couple know if they should work on strengthening their relationship or if it’s time to move on? My goal is for this article to give you clarity in your decision. Here are 7 signs that your marriage is over and you should move on.

1. Incompatible Temperament and Values

There are numerous issues that couples can and should negotiate. Differences are not necessarily bad; however, in my experience, some temperaments and values can become incompatible over time.

Consider an introverted partner married to an extroverted spouse who needs to invite friends over every night. A partner who despises all forms of physical activity and another who enjoys hiking every weekend. How quickly do you believe their temperament will become a problem?

I’m not saying that negotiation doesn’t have a place; it does, but this is more complicated. It’s about looking for signs that that particular relationship was built on fundamental differences from the start.

2. Domestic Violence and/or Aggression

Unfortunately, intimate partner aggression is a significant problem and a sign that it is time to move on. Some partners are now willing but unable to change. Other times, they are capable but unwilling.

If a partner admits to being aggressive and is both able and willing to seek help, I believe the relationship can be improved; however, only if they are accountable, able, and willing to seek help.

The statistics on intimate partner violence are frightening.

These statistics frequently focus on the risks to women, as women are five times more likely to be abused by a male partner, but that doesn’t mean men can’t be abused as well.

Both genders can be victims of aggressive partners, and people in this situation should take it as a sign that it’s time to move on (or seek professional support to do so safely).

3. A Failure to Communicate, Negotiate, and Compromise

When communication dies, so does the relationship.

When one or both partners stop using manners, speak with a tone that speaks volumes or use intimidating body language, it can be a sign that the marriage has reached a point where it’s time to get some serious relationship coaching or move on.

The same is true for partners who are no longer able to negotiate and compromise on critical aspects of their relationship. This last part is particularly telling. There is no law that requires us to compromise everything for the rest of our lives. We don’t, in fact. I certainly didn’t want to, but it says a lot about where we’re at when it comes to being in a relationship at all, because all types of relationships will involve some form of compromising.

4. A Lack of Shared Objectives

It is critical for couples to have a common goal. It does not imply that they must share 100% of their goals, but a couple without common goals is a couple without a compass. They simply float away until they become lost.

Goals may include taking a vacation, purchasing a home, or having children. It doesn’t really matter as long as both partners have some ideas about how they want their lives to look in five, ten, and thirty years.

Consider the path your relationship has taken. Do you know where it’s going? If not, think about what you want to do about it.

5. Unequal Treatment in Chores, Work, and Decision Making

This is one that I believe is significant. Regardless of your contribution to the relationship; whether you are staying at home to raise children, working overtime to pay bills, or making all of the decisions on your own, all of the above will have an impact on how you feel in your relationship.

As a married mother of five children, for example, I wondered why I was working four jobs on top of parenting and having to make and organize 100% of the family’s decisions. I found myself doing things like buying cars, selecting schools for my children, and keeping our finances in order on my own. Heck, I even found myself alone in selecting my daughter’s coffin and burial plot, and it was only two years ago that I wondered… Is this typical?

No, not at all. It is not normal to be in a relationship where you do not feel comfortable sharing, discussing, and/or negotiating roles, jobs, and responsibilities with your partner. If you find yourself in this situation, I recommend that you talk about it seriously.

6. An Unsatisfactory or Non-Existent Sexual Life

Couples who haven’t had sex in decades are left wondering why they don’t feel connected. Men, on the other hand, feel closer to their partner after sexual intimacy, whereas women need to feel emotionally connected to feel like sex (although I acknowledge that this is very stereotypical and may not apply to all couples).

So, if you haven’t had a fulfilling sex life in years, there’s work to be done to figure out why. What about your health? Problems with performance? Problems with emotional connections? Time, parenting, or other practical considerations? You get the idea.

Sex is an important part of any relationship, and if a couple is disconnected, unattracted to their partner, unable to sexually relax, or simply uninterested in having sex together, it is safe to say that this relationship is more of a friendship (at best) than an intimate one.

While a sexologist may be able to assist, the lack of a sexual life, when combined with the other red flags, may indicate that your marriage is in trouble.

7. You Avoid Going Home

You find yourself staying at work just to avoid the tension that greets you the moment you walk in the door, and/or look for any excuse to work overtime, volunteer with your neighbors, or simply be engrossed on your computer, phone, or IPad.

You may be onto something if you find yourself dreading returning home, and experiencing anxiety as you drive around the corner.

Last Thoughts

I firmly believe that most couples can work on these issues if they so desire. What I’ve learned in my growing wisdom is that it’s also fine if a person decides they don’t want to work at it any longer, as long as they understand the implications and can make an informed decision.

A healthy divorce is preferable to a bad marriage. Accept that divorce is not a failure, but rather the maturity to recognize that our needs have evolved and that we are strong enough to look beyond the present to the future.

I’m sure I am. So, how about you?

*Disclaimer

Before you file for divorce the next day, make sure you’ve sought help and advice from a professional, such as a couple’s therapist or accredited sexologist.

Never make a hasty decision, especially after only reading one article!
Look into resources like the Love Languages Quiz, the Gottman Institute (download the free card deck on Google Play or the Apple App Store), and relationship workbooks like The Couple Workbook, Love More, Fight Less, or The Real Guide to Life as a Couple.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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