Giving Your Undivided Attention Is One of the Sexiest Things You Can Do

 

“Of course I’m listening!” I said as I continued checking my phone, tuning her out like she was background noise.

I hurriedly fired off a message and pocketed my phone just in time to prevent another fight from erupting.Communication was not my forte.

I realized later that what I was up against wasn’t me being a malicious person; I was re-enacting the same pattern I learned as a kid. Mom would ramble on and on, and almost instantly, my mind would fill with fantasies about those girls I had crushes on or looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger one day.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that giving my undivided attention in my relationships later in life would be near the bottom of my priority list. In fact, I unconsciously made sure I’d play that familiar role with the partners I chose (surprise, they were just like Mom).

STFU and Listen

When we give our undivided attention and do what’s called Active Listening, where we maintain eye contact, process each piece of information, store it for recall later, and ask questions in return, we show that we are present. In doing so, we also show that we care.

When I had an ability to tune women out like it was a superpower, I left her feeling utterly unloved, and I didn’t even know it.

For example, one particular ex would often come home stressed out and want to vent about her day. Off I went into La-La Land, only to tune back in for some interesting piece of information. Then I’d ask a question to get more context, and she’d immediately get angry.

“I just told you why! Weren’t you listening?” She’d stab.

“Of course I was listening!” I’d bark back in denial. “I just missed the point of what you were saying because you’re always complaining about something!”

Off we went into fight mode.

For the first couple of years, she’d begrudgingly repeat herself, but after that, she’d basically say, “Tough shit,” and stopped. I started listening to her a little more intently after that, but not by much. I still had a lot to learn.

Today, I not only understand the power of active listening but employ it in my practice. It’s my job to listen intently to people, and I employ those skills on a date, with friends, even with people at the check-in counter at the gym.

See, people have a fundamental need that’s right below sex, feeling safe, and acquiring food, and that’s to feel understood. When we feel understood by another person, amazing feelings develop, and human connections deepen.

By truly listening to someone and asking probing questions, we convey that we want to understand them.

The first step in this process is giving our undivided attention; by being present.

How to Show Your Love Through Listening

1. Set a clear boundary.

People today are busier than ever; therefore, the sheer time we have available to listen to someone actively is increasingly under threat. While I advocate slowing down and moving through life consciously, I understand that most people have side hustles, creative projects, and families with two working parents.

If your partner needs your attention, but you’ve “got a million things to do,” it’s good to set a boundary upfront. You can say something like, “I understand you’re frustrated, and you need to vent; however, I have to get back to work soon. I’ll give you 10 minutes of my undivided attention, is that ok?”

Setting a boundary upfront and coming to an agreement will save the relationship from unmet expectations, which leads to resentment. When resentments pile up, they create a wall where yelling and demoralizing behavior become the only way to get heard.

Avoid this at all costs.

2. Ask for what you need in return.

People will tire quickly of listening to someone if they feel there’s no reciprocity. I know that happened with me due to my inability to ask for what I wanted and needed, which led to me tuning out my partner.

If I also needed to vent or work out a problem, I would now say something like, “I’ll listen to you and help you through it, and I have something I need help with as well. Will you listen to me when you’re finished?” That way, both people get their needs met, and it allows each listener to relax into the conversation.

3. Maintain eye contact.

The eyes are the window to the soul, so the first step in showing someone that you’re listening is to hold their gaze for several sentences — even if they look away. When they return to meet your eyes that never left, it’s a sign that they have your rapt attention.

4. Be mentally present.

Yes, maintaining eye contact while a person’s talking will at least signal to them that you’re interested in their words; however, this doesn’t mean that you are. While holding someone’s gaze, we can be too wrapped up in our own thoughts and emotions to truly pay attention to their words.

Equally important to being present is being honest about where you’re at in terms of attention. Sometimes we don’t have the capacity to commit to hearing someone out, or we’ve heard enough and need a break.

In that case, you can say something like, “Hang on a second. It’s been 10 minutes of hearing this, and I need a break. Can you give me a few minutes to clear my head, and we’ll come back to it?”

Don’t go and get lost in the Xbox or The Travel Channel. Follow through with what you say, and you will not only prevent resentment, but you’ll build trust with your partner.

5. Ask exploratory questions.

It’s not enough to sit there, pretending like you’re listening while nodding like a bobblehead. Showing someone that you’re in the game involves asking questions about what they’re saying.

Questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or, “What would you do differently next time?” are powerful, open-ended questions that will prompt the speaker to think. This shows that you care because you’re interested in not only learning more but helping them through a problem.

Guys think they’re helping when they listen to their partner speak, then immediately try to solve the problem for them. That’s usually not what people want — they want someone to listen and validate their feelings.

If they want feedback or your opinion, they’ll ask for it. Never offer it to them without their express permission.

6. Ask if they’re complete.

When the person we’re listening to stops talking, we typically take that as a cue that they’ve said all they need to say; however, this is often not the case. Despite reaching a stopping point, it’s usually more of a pause.

While the unconscious couple will spend the minimum time listening to their partner, anxiously awaiting the conversation’s endpoint, the better way is to ensure that everything that needs to be said is out there.

Of course, we don’t have unlimited time, so if the conversation is not complete, the loving thing to do would be to say something like, “Unfortunately, that’s all the time I can commit to right now. Can we revisit this tonight?” Pick a time to come back to it and employ the same active listening as before.

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Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy and long-lasting relationship, and with that comes good listening skills. It also involves asking for what we want in warm and constructive ways, managing our desire to fix, listening with rapt attention, and asking meaningful questions.

Avoid the trap of unmet expectations by communicating needs directly and coming to agreements upfront, which will create a relaxed listening environment. The same principles can be applied to conflicts, turning them from destructive battles to constructive growth opportunities.

When a relationship is built on mutual respect, direct communication, active listening, and agreements over expectations, partners can avoid the wall of resentments that inevitably leads to unhappiness and a loss of trust.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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