How to Rebuild Your Trust in Others When You Have Been Hurt Before

 

It’s hard to put yourself out there when you’ve been hurt in the past.

Your heart yearns for a relationship, but the relationships you’ve had in the past are full of pain, sadness, and disappointment.

You rerun past experiences that bring up painful memories and don’t want to get hurt again.

Of course, you’ll struggle to start dating again; your heart is fragile, you don’t trust your judgement, and you can’t see how you will ever trust anyone again.

But, if you truly want to find someone to love and be loved by, you must start rebuilding your trust in others. Otherwise, it will never happen.

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Rebuilding Trust

Stop the stories you are telling yourself.

If you keep rerunning the same narrative about how “men/women can’t be trusted”, “all men/women are the same”, “love hurts”, or “I’m rubbish at relationships”, you will never move on from these unhealthy relationships.

The narratives that held me back were: “I’m damaged goods”, “what’s wrong with me” and “I’m never going to find someone who treats me right”.

Your reality will always match your expectations, so use your self-talk to change your expectations.

Stop going over your past relationships. They are in the past. Leave them there and move on.

Trust yourself.

When working on relationships with others, you should always start with your relationship with yourself.

Your external relationships are a mirror of your internal relationship.

If you struggle to trust your reactions, thoughts and feelings, you will come across as easy to manipulate, and you know the sort of person this attracts.

Your previous relationship choices haven’t been great, so you now question your judgement. You believe you have no control over your choice of romantic partners, but that’s not true.

Start working with yourself and take control of your choices and decisions. You know which choices resulted in your previous unhealthy relationships, so don’t make them again — it’s that simple. It’s by no means easy, but it is simple!

When I started dating again after being hurt many times, I threw away “my type” and consciously spoke to people who were the opposite.

Trust that you can make good decisions and choices. Trust that you are not going to let yourself down. Trust your inner guidance system (more about this point later).

Set boundaries.

Based on what you learned from your previous relationship, what are your non-negotiables?

Get these down on paper, in your dating profile, clear in your mind and stick to them. I know it can be hard to maintain these, but if you give in, you will not only be breaking the trust you have in yourself, but you will also be giving the other person permission to treat you however they want to.

Giving someone this level of control in a relationship is not a good foundation for building trust.

I was desperate to be in a relationship, so I did not set any boundaries. I thought that the more easy-going I was, the more attractive I would be. People definitely found that attractive, but not the sort of people I could trust.

Setting boundaries shows self-respect, which demands respect from others. Trustworthy people will always respect your boundaries.

Start small and slow.

Yes, I know it’s exciting when you first meet someone and think they could be “the one”, but trust comes with time. You won’t lose a good person by taking it slow. If they do lose interest, they weren’t that interested in you in the first place.

I always felt I had to rush into sleeping with people. I thought that’s what they wanted and expected, and I would do anything to keep them interested. Sex complicates things. When you rush into having sex, there will always be one person to whom it means more than the other.

If you struggle to trust someone, having sex will cause more anxiety because you have shared part of yourself that not everyone sees.

Give yourself time to build friendship, mutual respect, and trust. If it doesn’t work out, at least one more person in your world has proven to you that some people can be trusted.

Don’t overshare.

You think that sharing your life stories as soon as you meet builds trust, but it increases vulnerability. You don’t know this person or the people in their lives, yet they already know your deepest, darkest secrets and personal challenges. That’s not safe.

I would always share my past quickly and openly, which left me open to judgement. I would then start thinking about what they were thinking about me, which would trigger my negative narratives, and my barriers would go up. Too much, too soon, ruined any chances I had of building trust.

There are ways to build common ground and connect without blindly trusting someone you don’t know.

Common ground can be found in things you like doing, the music or films you like, the food, and your lifestyle choices. This level one layer of what makes you you is enough to form common interests and build a new relationship.

You can connect over your opinions on everyday situations and events. This should give you an idea of whether you will connect over more important things.

Start light and simple and save the heavier, deeper stuff for when some trust is already there.

Listen to your gut.

There are some nasty people out there. I know that doesn’t help your trust issues, but we can’t ignore this fact!

Using the above strategies, you will hopefully be able to get rid of these sorts of people before you get too involved. But if you do find yourself experiencing niggles or doubts, don’t ignore them.

The one benefit of experiencing a bad relationship is that you know some of the signs. It’s easy to talk yourself out of these niggles, but if they persist and make you uneasy, investigate why you feel this way.

It wasn’t easy to end a potential relationship because something didn’t “feel” right, but every time I did so, I knew deep down that I had done the right thing. This helped me build trust in myself.

Feeling uneasy about how they are treating you, speaking to you, or their actions towards others is a sign that this person cannot be trusted. Remove yourself from the relationship and give yourself space to think and feel things through.

Unfortunately, some people cannot be trusted. Your gut or intuition will pick up on these people, so pay attention.

Be courageous.

You will get to a point in a new relationship where you must “feel the fear and do it anyway”. I can vividly remember when I had to choose between not trusting and trusting my now husband. It was either carrying on like I was, keeping a brick wall up, which would risk losing him, or letting the wall down and trusting him with my heart. Obviously, I made the right choice!

When we have been hurt before, we develop powerful self-preservation mechanisms, which, now we are safe, can hold us back from finding love.

There will always be an element of risk involved when getting to know someone. Falling in love means opening your heart to another person, and that’s scary!

By learning to trust yourself, setting boundaries, taking your time, holding some of yourself back and listening to your intuition, you are mitigating some risks, giving you the confidence needed to be brave.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

To love and be loved is the greatest gift of all; if you don’t start trusting yourself and others, you are denying it.

There are good people out there, lots of them. You must prove that to yourself and replace the untrue belief that everyone is untrustworthy. Stop letting your past dictate your present and future.

You deserve love and happiness, and you can find it, but it’s not going to come knocking on your door whilst you are hiding your heart away. You have the key to your heart, no one else.

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If you are struggling to move on after an abusive relationship, my Healthy Relationships after Domestic Abuse e-workbook will guide you towards finding the love you deserve.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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