The Hidden Key to Success Is This, But Do You Want It?

Stop bullshitting yourself.

You don’t want to change. You’re comfortable. You’re doing what you know how to do even if you say you want a different life.

If you really wanted to change, you would’ve done it by now, but the truth is, very few people really, truly want to change because change is uncomfortable and scary.

Sometimes though, you have to change because the comfort zone you’ve been enjoying has reached a breaking point, and the pain of staying the same is far greater than the dull ache of the life you know.

Welcome to your mountain.

We all have a mountain to climb, and when we hit bottom, we have no choice but to look up and see the jagged cliffs we’ve tried to fly over or burrow underneath. Yet here we are, looking up at what we thought was a grassy hill, but in reality is an icy, rocky, hideous-looking mountain.

Now’s the time to scale it.

On the other side of that mountain is the life we could have if we reach our full potential, and the mountain contains all the beliefs, feelings, shame, guilt, and roles we played growing up. Success is easy to talk about or imagine, but implementing the changes needed to get there — now there’s an adventure story.

Our cognitive bias turns walkable trails into vertical cliffs that throw us off the mountain, or if we’re lucky, make us use ice picks and spiked shoes in what feels like a life-threatening endeavor. However, the longer we keep at it, the more we realize the mountain is in our minds and hearts, and we can change our trajectory if we want — or need to.

The Glass Ceiling

They say you’re the product of the five people you spend the most time with.

Overall, I agree. We’re also the product of the environment we spend the most time in and the culture we adopt. In other words, I believe we’re the product of our surroundings, the people in it, the people in our inner circle, and the people we look up to.

Our role models shape us even if we don’t spend a lot of time with them.

We’re also the product of our thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and actions, and as we all know, our past is a powerful determinant in our success. For example, if Dad was an under-earner, we’ll likely adopt a similar pattern. If Mom never remarried after the divorce, we might find ourselves single for lengthy periods.

In my world, these are called Binding Agreements — a glass ceiling we subconsciously create to keep us in place. Of course, there’s also the inner critic — that voice that tries to protect us through self-defeating dialogue that’s typically abusive, degrading, and counterproductive.

Therefore, the company we keep, the environment we inhabit, and our internal state all congeal into the determinant of our success.

They are the architects of our mountain.

What is “success,” and who is successful?

Before I get into the hidden key to success, it would be helpful to define what success is and who has it.

LeBron James could be your measurement of success. Steve Jobs could be as well, or Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Martha Stewart, J.K. Rowling, or even Van Gogh. It could be anyone.

You could value money over fame, fame over money, happiness over both, having a satisfying job, a nuclear family, or the freedom to travel the world. A sherpa in Nepal could lead the life you want, but instead, you’re writing code all day, staring at your desktop picture of Mount Everest. If that’s the case, you might not feel successful.

The point is that success can mean different things depending on our values, but achieving success is a factor of some universal principles.

I’m sure you’ve seen the cliche office posters of a lake with a rowing team on it, with a large caption underneath that reads “Teamwork” or a picture of a mountain above the caption “Attitude.”

Even if you haven’t, I’m sure you’ve heard an array of slogans and catchphrases that claim to have the answer to success, and indeed you’ve been told by your parents what their version of success is.

Value Stacking

To create a personal definition of success, one must discover their values and their order of importance.

For example, you may value financial stability over status but value status above freedom. Or, you could value feeling accomplished over financial stability, but financial stability over intimacy and connection. The point is to prioritize what’s important to you, so you’re not swayed by other people’s values.

My advice is to write down everything you value, then rank each one from 5 to 1 (5 being essential and 1 being of very low importance). After that, write out each 5 in order of importance, then the 4’s. Next, write a Personal Value Statement such as:

I value honesty, integrity, financial freedom, intimacy and connection, accomplishment, and creativity. I vow to live my life authentically, honoring myself and protecting my boundaries, while respecting other people’s boundaries as well. I will spend more time with friends, extended family, and be of service through volunteer work wherever possible.

As powerful as identifying and prioritizing values can be, there’s one more overlooked component. It came to me after reading Atomic Habits by James Clear, and since then, I’ve become acutely aware of my environment, closest friends, extended network, and self-talk.

All of these components build the hidden key to success:

Identity

Once you’ve discovered your values and created your Personal Value Statement, you’ve got to become the person who lives by them. In other words, it’s one thing to identify values and what you want from life, and another to do it.

By committing to becoming the type of person who achieves your vision of success, you’re much more likely to achieve it. Let’s take a look at the opposite approach.

A Negative Identity

I’m going to use a fictional character named Gil as an example.

Gil has a repeating set of phrases in his mind that influence every behavior, decision, and relationship:

“I’m never on time.”

“I get distracted easily.”

“I’m no good at sports.”

“I’m not good at math.”

“I’m a procrastinator.”

“I’m not good at online dating.”

These sentences form Gil’s identity, which he continually seeks affirmations for unconsciously.

An example would be sabotaging online dating prospects with anxious texting or late attendance to meetings. He’ll procrastinate on important tasks, and all of these characteristics reinforce his identity as an unsuccessful man.

Additionally, if he hangs around other people exhibiting the same characteristics, the group-think will reinforce each member’s identity. They’ll reinforce their self-perception as procrastinators who are bad at math and online dating and generally live well below their potential.

A Positive Identity

The inverse of the negative identity is, quite simply, one that focuses on strengths, attributes, successes and sees “failure” as a golden opportunity to learn and a sign of progress.

People who see mistakes as signs of progress and growth will be more likely to do what works far more than talent and intelligence: repetition.

Another takeaway from Atomic Habits is Clear’s story about a photography class, whose professor assigned two groups two different tasks. The first group was to take one stellar photograph to get an “A,” but it had to be damn-near perfect. The other group was assigned a number of pictures to take to get an “A.”

In the second group, the students were assigned something like: Take 90-100 photos to get an “A.” Take 80–90 photos: get a “B,” and so on.

Guess who took the best photos? Not the “damn-near-perfect” group.

Why? Because it was the repetition that led to superior quality, not the thinking, planning, coordinating, or waiting for the perfect light. The same principle applies elsewhere.

Adopting a “go-out-and-fail” mentality is infinitely more valuable than waiting for the perfect moment. There is no perfect moment.

Successful people identify with success because the journey is successful. Unsuccessful people identify with failure and victimhood because they view anything short of the perfect outcome as a failure. Racking up what seems like a series of disappointments and setbacks will surely make anyone want to quit.

Big success comes from a willingness to learn from mistakes, celebrating small achievements, and a belief that we are worthy of a positive outcome. Whatever our identity, our confirmation bias is powerful enough to ensure that our lives will uphold it.

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Previously Published on medium

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