3 Simple Things Most Men Secretly Crave but Would Never Admit

Men are simple. We communicate clearly and go after what we want — except for when we crumble under societal pressure, feel bad, or are plain afraid.

Toxic masculinity encourages “real men” to always have their shit together and not deviate from the whole strong like Hulk, rational like James Bond, and firm as a rock narrative. If you do, you’re weak, which does to a man’s ego what a wrecking ball does to a wedding cake.

In my work as a man’s coach and my role as a best friend, I’ve discovered men sometimes crave the simplest things but would never ask for them.

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#1 Have Someone Else Care Unconditionally

A few years ago, I spent New Year’s Eve dancing in a club until two in the afternoon. A lot of things happened that night, but one incident stood out like a fat man in a famine.

I’m 6’3” and bring over 90 jacked kilos to the scale. This boosts my success with the ladies, but also means people put me at the bottom end of the “this guy needs support” list. If a girl gets cold, I’m expected to give my jacket away. If there are heavy boxes, I’m the one people ask to do the lifting. After years of being the drudge, I’m used to it.

When we went outside the club and I realized a German winter day can both be sunny and freeze your private parts off, a guy walked up to me and insisted on giving me his jacket. After being at a loss for words, I put it on and enjoyed something I hadn’t felt in years. A random stranger had looked after me.

There are lots of men who look and act tough — but deep inside, we all sometimes crave a little love and care. This doesn’t mean we want people to pamper us 24/7. But since we’re used to providing, being on the receiving end can blow up our synapses like a misplaced cigarette a firecracker factory.

If you want to make a man’s day, show that you care for him.

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#2 Have a Woman Take the First Step and Communicate Clearly

Even in the 21st century, traditional dating rules still apply. Men should make the first move, hold the door open, and ask if she got home safely. Most men enjoy this, but sometimes it feels great to have a woman make the first move.

This isn’t about doing all the work from saying “Hey” to making breakfast. Most women like to be courted, most men like to court. But ladies, think about it this way: If you want to stand out and have the ovaries to shoot your shot, the upside is tremendous.

A simple smile and “hi” are so rare for most men he’ll be flabbergasted. Making the first move instead of sitting there, looking the other way, and hoping he’ll somehow notice you can go a long way. If you want to stand out even more, there’s something else you can do to blow his mind.

Communicate your wants and needs clearly.

Any man who has asked his girlfriend “What’s wrong?” fifteen times in a row only to hear “Nothing, it’s fine” is nodding his head in agreement right now.

Look, ladies, we can’t read your thoughts. I know you want him to get it without you having to tell him, but it’s not going to happen. Nobody ever taught us enough empathy and social sensitivity to pick up on your subtle clues. It’s like asking an American to understand Russian without ever taking a lesson — you’ll have to translate.

If you feel hurt, tell him why. If you want him to do something, ask. If you’re angry about what he said, let him know — not by rolling your eyes and acting cold, but by saying “I’m angry because…”

Does that mean he will understand and take to heart every little thing you said? No. But there are millions of men out there with a genuine interest in their partner’s wellbeing and a great relationship who are utterly clueless about what they’ve done wrong because they simply don’t understand.

Most guys just want women to communicate clearly.

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#3 Have a Good Cry, Experience Genuine Compassion, and Get a Long Hug

Society expects men to always have their shit together.

Your ex broke up with you? Well, you better get to work and hit the gym the next day. Your business failed? Get back up and try again. Your bank account goes red because you have to pay alimony? Take up another job.

I’m not saying men are the only ones who have it tough, but it’s much more acceptable for women to break down and have a good cry than it is for men. Yet sometimes, that’s all we want to do.

You can’t perform 24/7. The sun can’t always shine. Sometimes, life kicks you in the balls and then some more.

Over the last few months, things have been tough for me. An intense relationship ended. My business demanded more than ever. The pandemic had taken a huge toll by annihilating most of my social life. During this time, laying down for an hour and crying felt incredibly liberating. Calling my family and friends and hearing their words of compassion meant the world to me. A random hug by my roommate pulled me out of my hole for days.

Most men act like they’re too tough for these things. Partly because they believe in the myth of the unshakable alpha male, partly because they fear the ridicule of others who call them weak. But even the biggest warriors have to tend to their wounds sometimes.

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This Is Why Men Love to Fish (Even Though It’s Boring as Hell)

I’m not a big fan of fishing, but I understand why many men enjoy it so much.

We spend most of our waking hours fighting. We have to deal with micromanaging bosses, feed the kids, be good husbands, and produce something valuable by the end of the day. When there’s a problem, people come to us. All day, we turn the food we eat into business reports, sturdy cupboards, or dried tears of whoever cries on our shoulder.

When men go fishing, all the adversities and daily hustle fade away. You sit there, get drunk on cheap beer and the beauty of nature, and enjoy the absence of drama.

Fishing of course isn’t the only way — hiking, gardening, and meditation do the job as well.

These activities often seem boring, but that’s the point. They provide peace, quiet, and carefreeness. That’s what everything comes down to.

When someone cares for a man, for once he doesn’t have to look after himself. When there is clear communication, he for once doesn’t have to play Sherlock Holmes and can avoid the drama. When a man cries and experiences compassion, he for once can take off the huge load that has been resting on his shoulders for years.

In the end, all we crave is less drama and more peace.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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