4 Unsexy Habits for a Highly Successful Relationship

 

Clever habits are the closest thing to a love potion.

Thankfully, you don’t need a magical elixir to build love and make your relationships last. The key to a highly successful relationship is building the right habits.

While they won’t improve your relationship overnight — I’m afraid nothing can do that — they’re the first step in the right direction.

Develop them. Stick to them. Reap the rewards.

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Practice the art of conflict

If you rolled your eyes while reading this, hear me out: conflict is healthy because it signals a need for change.

As long as it is appropriately managed, conflict gives you the chance to verbalize your needs and work on the problems in your relationship.

Clinical psychologist Maria Thestrup perfectly sums it up:

“Conflict is an opportunity for two people to actually grow and understand themselves better.”

Most couples are allergic to conflict and see it as a threat to their relationship. And what do they get as a result? Unmet needs, miscommunication, and feelings of frustration and resentment.

The sooner you start an argument about something important to you within your relationship, the sooner you’ll voice your needs, and cooperate with your partner on improving your relationship.

Resist the temptation to run away from conflict. Harness the good that can come from disagreement — just make sure you keep things on a constructive and compassionate level.

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Ask the boring questions

Assumptions are powerful little devils.

They masquerade as facts and whisper the wrong things in your ears, prompting you to make some destructive thoughts — and even worse, decisions.

They might sound like:

• He’s been distant lately, so he must have lost interest in me.
• I can tell she didn’t like my present.
• He’s so quiet, he obviously didn’t want to see me today.

 

Jumping to conclusions is easy. But trusting your assumptions is a trap. You can never, never, know for sure what’s going on inside your partner’s head — not until you ask them.

As marriage and family therapist Dr. Teyhou Smyth states in her article:

“Even if a relationship has been in place for a long time, no one truly knows what is in another’s mind and the underlying emotions that may result in certain behaviors.”

When in doubt, ask your partner the “boring” questions. From my experience, the following three bring the most clarity:

1. Are you okay?
2. Have I done anything to upset you?
3. Did you actually like my idea/present/food/thought?

 

Once you learn to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and start asking instead of assuming, your relationship can only become stronger.

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Be annoyingly curious

If you think you know everything there is to know about your partner, you’re deeply mistaken.

We constantly change and grow throughout our lives, and so do our passions, goals, drives, likes, or dislikes.

For example, if my partner gave me a goldfish as a gift three years ago, I would be excited. Now? I’d hate it. I don’t want a fish for a pet. Let the fish swim in the sea.

Anyway.

My point is, if you don’t pause to tune in with your partner, you could end up with a person you nearly don’t recognize. Staying annoyingly curious and making an effort to know your partner, again and again, is a great antidote to drifting apart.

I got the perfect 5-step plan for you:

1. Be curious.
2. Observe.
3. Ask questions.
4. Note things down.

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Keep phubbing to the minimum

There’s nothing more frustrating than cheating on your partner with your phone.

You know, like scrolling on Instagram while you’re eating. Responding to your text messages when you two are hanging out. Or watching Youtube videos when they’re trying to talk to you about something important.

I’ve been in that position multiple times in the past, and I gotta tell you, I wanted to grab my partner’s phone and smash it against the wall. I didn’t even care that it was the latest iPhone model.

Here’s a simple equation:

More time spend on your phone = less quality time with your partner
Less quality time with your partner = drifting apart

Phubbing (a portmanteau of the words “phone” and “snubbing”) can only derail your relationship. It interrupts your ability to be present and actively engage with your partner. It makes your partner feel underappreciated and unfulfilled.

And, if we’re being honest, it makes you look like an insensitive jackass.

So, next time you’re with your partner and feel tempted to pull out your phone — think it twice. Romance blossoms when smartphones are put away.

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Bonus: Split the household chores

Seriously, split the household chores.

Nothing can build up as much resentment as feeling like your partner’s housekeeper — or making them feel like one.

You and your partner have to share the responsibility of keeping your home a neat and clean space. Hey, no one likes doing chores — but we all have to do them.

The trick is to divide up the tasks based on what you hate most doing. For example, your partner might hate doing the dishes whereas you might despise ironing.

If you both hate the same chores, you’ll have to divide them on a 50–50 rule.

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In a nutshell

Habits can make or break a relationship. Adopt unhealthy habits and watch your relationship go downhill. Stick to the right ones, and your relationship will flourish.

To sum up:

• Don’t be afraid of conflict. It can be healthy and beneficial. Always voice your arguments, but make sure you do it in a constructive and respectful way.
• Never assume, always ask.
• Make sure you don’t take your partner for granted. They constantly change and grow. Check in with them and remain curious. They’ll appreciate it.
• Don’t cheat on your partner with your phone.
• Split the household chores. Fairly.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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