If You Want To Find the Perfect Guy, Watch This [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

00:00
your time is the most valuable thing
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you’ll ever have i don’t want to go on a
00:04
date with someone that i haven’t spent
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five minutes on facetime on even if you
00:08
think they’re really interesting and
00:09
they’ve been great on a date you’re
00:10
still seeing them in very few dimensions
00:13
we have to expand our lives knowing that
00:16
meeting the right person may be a
00:17
byproduct of expanding our lives
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why do guys pop up from time to time
00:27
send you a little message and then
00:28
disappear again
00:30
it’s not that hard is it really there’s
00:32
a kind of narcissism
00:35
that makes us as human beings and let’s
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face it not just men
00:39
reach out to someone not for them but
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for us
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because we’re bored because we’re lonely
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because in that moment we’re craving
00:48
some attention and we want to feel
00:50
attractive so if i can reach out to you
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and say something that gets me a
00:55
compliment back or just the compliment
00:57
of knowing that you will text me back
01:00
and that you are still thinking of me
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that gives me the validation i need to
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then carry on with my day and that’s
01:06
what happens all the time why does he
01:07
disappear again after coming back out of
01:09
nowhere and reigniting your interest
01:12
because once he got your interest he got
01:14
the validation he needed and then he
01:16
went back to his life he didn’t need it
01:17
anymore after that look i know you want
01:19
closure on why guys have this kind of
01:22
behavior but i think it’s much more
01:24
important that we get closure on why you
01:26
respond to this kind of behavior here’s
01:28
why interacting with mpi guy can be so
01:31
toxic you have this guy who is showing
01:35
no potential now you may ask how is he
01:37
showing no potential he does text me
01:38
once in a while that’s the point he’s
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showing you that this is the best he’s
01:43
got to give you right now now by
01:45
focusing on this guy you’re not focusing
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on
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these guys i.e the rest of the world
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these guys show more potential than the
01:57
other guy even though you’ve never met
02:00
them because at least you don’t know yet
02:03
with them if this guy is the right guy
02:06
here
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and you have to get through these to get
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to him you’re never gonna get there
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because you’re stuck on this guy that’s
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spending three to six months of your
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life wasting your time with the minimum
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possible investment and you may say yeah
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but that guy he texts me once a month or
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once every couple of weeks or whatever
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and maybe we see each other once in a
02:28
while that’s not wasting that much of my
02:30
time it is because even though he may
02:33
not be spending much time with you
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you’re spending a hell of a lot of your
02:38
time with him in here there’s a kind of
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myopia that comes from focusing on one
02:44
guy when you’re in tr when you’re
02:45
interested in one guy when you’re
02:46
attracted to that one guy
02:48
you don’t want to go out and meet lots
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of others you don’t want to interact
02:52
with somebody else so if your dream guy
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is here and you’re wasting time with
02:57
this guy
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you don’t get there quick enough in your
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lifetime to meet him what i want to get
03:03
you to do
03:04
is ruthlessly cut these guys quicker so
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as soon as you meet a guy and he’s not
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giving you what you want he’s showing
03:11
you that he’s low investment he’s flaky
03:14
he comes in and out of your life you get
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rid of him
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[Music]
03:20
and you can do that over and over again
03:23
the women who make the most progress in
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their love lives the women who actually
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end up meeting the right guy are not
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necessarily the women who are most
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talented at selecting the right guy
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they’re the women who are the most
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ruthless in getting rid of the wrong
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guys so that they don’t waste their time
03:40
with them so the next time this guy
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sends you some [ __ ] emoji out of
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nowhere or dare i say it a half nude
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pick
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how about you set yourself the challenge
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of doing nothing
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hey jay
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check your phone
04:00
is that your calf
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leg die bruh
04:05
i’m not responding to that
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he passed the test
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look if you must text this guy back i
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have a program that will show you how to
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do it it’s called how to talk to men
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many of you have it you know it’s
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brilliant but you know what i’d rather
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you use that program for
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i’d rather you use it to talk to all of
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these guys the ones who are showing more
04:29
potential by the very fact that you
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haven’t met them yet and they haven’t
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confirmed how shitty their level of
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investment is your time is the most
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valuable thing you’ll ever have it is
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the treasure
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of all of our lives
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why would you waste it on somebody who
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is telling you through their actions
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that they are not the right guy for you
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go meet these guys and the sooner you do
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the sooner you’ll meet this guy
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isn’t he handsome
05:00
[Music]
05:06
there is a premium to meet someone in
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person because if i meet you right now
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[Applause]
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if i
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lie you’re a little rowdier than normal
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seriously
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if i meet you in person in person
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you already have done a bunch of
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calculations
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do i like the look of him has he got
05:33
good energy
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is he what he seems to be how does he
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carry himself how does he answer
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questions in real time
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all right not
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we’re texting and i know nothing i don’t
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even know if you look like your picture
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anymore that’s the crazy [ __ ] now the
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like it used to be the case that on
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match.com they would say like add you
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know 8 or 18 or however many is pictures
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because more pictures equals more
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credibility more credibility equals more
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matches
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but now we live in a world where someone
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can have a hundred photos of themselves
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on instagram and look like none of them
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it’s extraordinary
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so
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we we now have become suspicious we now
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have realized that we don’t know
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anything until we meet someone ever had
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that experience you don’t you think you
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have some chemistry you think you’re
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attracted you don’t know [ __ ] until you
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get in the room with someone
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and then you know which is why
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still today if you met someone right now
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after this event
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it would be so much easier to get on a
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date with that person if you’ve
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exchanged numbers than if you met online
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because you already have that base level
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of i know you you know me at least on
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that very superficial level we know what
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each other looked like i felt your
06:49
energy i kind of know what you’re all
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about i’ve got a sense of you you i said
06:53
that thing and you didn’t say an awkward
06:54
thing back and it wasn’t weird and it
06:56
was okay and i at least felt safe and
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now i feel like we could actually see
07:00
each other again even if just for coffee
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right there’s we’ve skipped a bunch of
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steps that you have to go through online
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which by the way
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means if
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let me give you a uh something that’s
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not intended to be a rule but something
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i think you should bear in mind in
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dating in general
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i think we should be reluctant
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kind of to go on a date with someone we
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haven’t at the very least face timed
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with
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how many of you want to save time
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a few of you
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just not there with me yet where you’ll
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put your hand up
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we’re not there
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i’ll put my hand up in an hour
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how many of you want to save time
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okay yes because by the way
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your love life the whole equation is
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time
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the whole equation is time we may as
07:56
well be doing a physics lesson here on
07:58
this stage because the whole [ __ ]
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thing is time we have a limited amount
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of time what do we do with it who do we
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give it to who’s going to get my
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precious precious time
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darwin said he was willing to waste an
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hour has not yet recognized the value of
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time
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that’s how important time is who am i
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going to give an hour to
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right that’s how important time is think
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of who you’re giving years to right now
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by the way
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think of that [ __ ] who are you going to
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give an hour to
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who you’re going to give an hour to
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right that’s what it comes down to
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i don’t want to go on a date with
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someone that i haven’t spent five
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minutes on face time with
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i just don’t
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if we can’t get on facetime for five
08:40
minutes
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firstly
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what does that say
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what does that say if i can meet you in
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person but can’t do a quick facetime
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call with you at the very least a phone
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call
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at the very least
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what does that say
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well matt not everyone wants to get on
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the phone
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oh then he’s a child what do you
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then don’t go on a date with that person
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what do you think is going to get better
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like no no after we’ve dated then we’re
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ready for a phone call
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don’t date that person
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but do a phone call do a facetime that’s
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where real connection’s built that’s
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where you know at least ah okay we have
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a little chemistry here we can actually
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talk and have some banter there’s
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something here to play with to work with
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because this is a claim i think a lot of
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people make when they say this always
09:38
happens i show interest and they
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disappear that would be to suggest that
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it that showing interest itself is
09:45
inherently unattractive
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right
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and it would be hard to argue the truth
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of that statement
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it leads to those stalemates of no one
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dares wants to take one step forward or
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put themselves on the line because they
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think i’m gonna lose the chess game if i
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show any interest right so
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i i think we should almost break this
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down into
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what are the causes
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of someone losing interest once we show
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our interest
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what categories could that phenomenon
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fall into
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i’d like to start
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and i’m wondering what you think of this
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steve
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with the simple idea that some people
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are not looking for what you’re looking
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for
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or
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are unhealthy emotionally yes so those
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are two separate things they’re not
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necessarily the same thing but let’s
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just start with those two things what
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are your thoughts on on those two steve
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yes i agree so the first one may be that
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once you show a level of interest
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that freaks them out they they realize
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oh i don’t want to commit to this person
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this much i was attracted to them i was
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having fun with them i was enjoying
11:04
dating but they’re really into me
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and they might be like
11:10
i’m backing off now because i’ve gotten
11:12
in too deep or i don’t want to go where
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this person’s taking me
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i think that
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is a real phenomenon that happens to
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people
11:22
that’s exactly right
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so
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you can’t you know
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that that you can’t put
11:29
you can’t make that a personal issue
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you just have to say some people are not
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ready for a real relationship and that’s
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why they’re backing off when they
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realize that i am ready for a real
11:40
relationship and we have to start seeing
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that as a positive not negative
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that if i learn that someone doesn’t
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want a real relationship and that makes
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them go away well how was i going to get
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them to stay by pretending i didn’t want
11:53
a real relationship all that means is
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i’m deferring my hurt
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to
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some time down the road when i finally
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admit that i want more and then guess
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what you’re going to get the exact same
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answer
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which is i’m scared i don’t want more i
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i was i didn’t sign up for this and the
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truth is about that guy is that he may
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have already felt that way from the very
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beginning of you dating it’s not that
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you brought it up and suddenly showed
12:22
too much interest and now he’s like i’m
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out he may have never planned to take
12:28
things further but it’s only because you
12:30
prompted the conversation so in that
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sense that he’s now backing off in that
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sense what you’re experiencing is just a
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revealing of what someone’s intentions
12:39
have been all along so we can kind of
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rule that out as
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not just something not to to feel bad
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about but actually a good thing that you
12:47
should feel proud of yourself in the
12:48
moments where you showing
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a greater interest reveals that someone
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has no intention of
12:55
of
12:56
making something more of this situation
12:58
with you
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though there is a different there is
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something that doesn’t fall into that
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category which is when you
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bringing up your interest in someone
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when you showing more interest
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actually does
13:13
have an effect on them it does repel
13:17
them
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and this is the case of
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someone being emotionally unhealthy
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themselves yes
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so in this situation
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there’s different ways of looking at it
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one is
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someone else having
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issues with themselves
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low self-esteem
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they don’t prize themselves highly
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they haven’t truly accepted themselves
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so so this can create one of a couple of
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effects and it could also be the
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beginning bit right the very early
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moment where
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you show a bit of interest on like
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tinder or something and someone’s like
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oh no this person’s too easy like
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they’re always looking for the difficult
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to catch fish
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and someone who likes them is like oh
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that’s that though they want me too
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easily like they must be lower value
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than i am yes so i think this is this is
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some distinctions have to be made
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because that’s definitely that’s
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definitely a phenomenon
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i
14:24
i see this kind of
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being a couple of different things you
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have the person who
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doesn’t actually think a lot of
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themselves
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so this is the
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i’m hideous
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so if you like me you must be hideous
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effect groucho marx right i wouldn’t
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want to belong to any club that would
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have someone like me as a member
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exactly
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so this is the self the kind of
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self-loathing
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phenomenon i don’t like myself
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i don’t value myself so if you like me
15:00
then you must not have much value i
15:03
wanted to let you know that if you’re
15:04
enjoying this subject matter we have a
15:07
free guide on exactly this that’s super
15:10
practical it’s at the website why he’s
15:13
gone.com this free guide outlines the
15:16
five reasons why someone may disappear
15:19
when you show your interest go to why
15:22
he’s gone.com
15:24
and i’ll see you over there the other
15:26
side of it
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is someone who
15:31
their relationship with happiness
15:34
is one of constantly trying to attain
15:38
something that they think will make them
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happy once they get it
15:44
a simple example of this in commercial
15:47
terms is you know why does
15:49
i don’t know why does american express
15:51
have
15:52
a platinum card
15:55
it’s so that people who have a regular
15:57
amex
15:58
can have something to aspire to
16:02
right now what’s the difference
16:06
why unless i’m spending a fortune every
16:09
month why would i want a platinum with a
16:12
much higher limit
16:13
over a regular amex
16:16
because i think that
16:18
something about having that platinum
16:20
card in my wallet is gonna make me
16:22
happier
16:24
now i’ve get the platinum card
16:26
and amex says by the way
16:29
you know did you know jay-z has a
16:31
black card
16:34
he has an amex black card don’t you want
16:36
the black card
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and you go wait what’s that one
16:42
and they go it’s a super special amex we
16:45
have there’s very few people who have it
16:49
and now you want that one
16:51
why
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is it going to change your life
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on some level we must think
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ah that’s going to make me happier
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if i could just get that one
17:04
and you can guarantee that
17:06
after that by the way amex there
17:08
probably is some some
17:11
some super special amex that us mere
17:13
mortals don’t even know about
17:15
you know some some sort of amex club
17:17
that jay-z’s trying to get into
17:19
it’s just it’s just bait it’s just bezos
17:21
and elon musk and that’s it
17:25
but
17:27
when you hear about that club you go oh
17:29
i want to be in that club because what
17:32
it’s really about
17:34
is this obsession with attainment
17:37
this obsession with i need something
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i need something else i think that’s
17:42
going to make me happier you know that
17:44
that uh that line in hamilton
17:47
you know i’ll never be satisfied
17:50
it’s that
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feeling of
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oh you know that that phrase is very
17:55
very powerful you know
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i’ll never be satisfied i’m always
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looking for the the bigger thing the
18:02
better thing the more exclusive club
18:06
and you can never for someone like that
18:09
you can never be
18:11
a great enough club for them not to be
18:14
looking for
18:16
another exclusive club because guess
18:18
what the moment
18:20
you show interest in a person like that
18:23
you’re no longer the exclusive club
18:27
the moment you show interest to a person
18:29
like that you’ve accepted them and
18:31
acceptance is a turn off for them
18:35
because acceptance means i already won
18:39
and there’s a different win now to go
18:41
for yeah
18:44
so now they go for the what’s the bigger
18:45
kill what’s the bigger win what’s the
18:47
more exclusive club you can never be
18:50
that club once you actually accept
18:52
someone you can never you can never
18:54
again be the exclusive club to them
18:56
because you accepted them you invited
18:58
them in
18:59
to someone like that
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so so you know there’s
19:02
there’s the people i guess the way i’m
19:04
the distinction i’m drawing is that
19:06
there are people that have an incredibly
19:07
unhealthy relationship with themselves
19:11
where
19:11
they loathe themselves and that’s why
19:15
they they immediately think that you
19:17
must not be great if you like them
19:20
and then there’s the people that have a
19:21
really unhealthy relationship with
19:23
happiness
19:26
where they think that
19:28
the happiness is always in the game
19:30
never in the having
19:34
and once they have you they can no
19:36
longer get you
19:41
that’s one group now we also shouldn’t
19:43
be worried about scaring off someone
19:45
like that
19:48
so we might say so does that just mean
19:49
that all of this phenomenon of me
19:52
showing interest and
19:54
someone losing their interest once i
19:56
show mine
19:58
is just
19:59
all about
20:00
these people that i should be happy i’m
20:02
repelling because they’re wrong for me
20:04
they’re either not ready they don’t want
20:05
the same things as me or they’re
20:07
emotionally unhealthy or they have an
20:09
unhealthy relationship with happiness
20:12
maybe
20:13
but there is another category yes and
20:16
this is the one where we have to look at
20:18
ourselves yes this is the this is the
20:20
self-reflective part of this equation
20:23
which is
20:24
perhaps
20:26
one of the reasons i’m losing interest
20:28
when i’m showing interest
20:30
is in the manner
20:32
in which i show interest
20:34
so let’s talk about that steve what are
20:36
you i’m curious to know what your
20:38
thoughts are on this
20:39
i think it’s in what
20:41
not just intensity perhaps of interest
20:43
but in what you’re showing an interest
20:45
in and people are not stupid and they
20:48
can feel if for example
20:51
your interest is only in fulfilling some
20:56
some empty relationship shaped hole in
20:58
your life where you just are needing a
21:01
relationship to plug up certain gaps in
21:04
your self-esteem and you have turned
21:07
them into an idealized
21:09
version of themselves and they can feel
21:12
like they have this unearned level of
21:14
attention and affection and they think
21:16
oh this person
21:18
is turning me into
21:21
the source of their whole world and
21:24
someone can freak out then
21:26
and be like
21:27
the level of the interest they have is
21:30
not just about me it’s about them
21:32
needing to fix something that they feel
21:35
is broken about them
21:38
that’s
21:40
absolutely right
21:42
absolutely right
21:44
now what would you say are the key signs
21:49
what are the ways that we telegraph
21:51
that
21:53
we are
21:54
valuing someone more than we should for
21:56
the stage of attraction we’re in
21:59
that we are
22:02
not actually getting to know them
22:03
organically but have really quickly made
22:06
up our minds about them
22:08
in an unhealthy way
22:10
that we are
22:12
moving at a pace
22:14
that is
22:16
making someone start to take a step back
22:19
what are the what are the practical
22:22
things
22:23
that someone should watch out for in
22:25
their own behavior that might be
22:27
telegraphing the wrong things in those
22:29
early stages and pushing someone away
22:32
i think it’s perhaps
22:34
the way you are
22:36
what you are deciding about them early
22:38
on if you are not looking at their
22:40
behavior but you are just
22:42
you are just so
22:44
over you were just so bowled over and
22:47
bought into them
22:48
really quickly before they’ve actually
22:50
had any time to prove to you
22:52
why they would be a great boyfriend or
22:55
why they would why they
22:57
really really care about you and they’re
22:59
not prioritizing you yet in your life
23:01
but you’re
23:02
you’re living for them you find yourself
23:05
dropping things
23:06
that would otherwise have been important
23:08
to you for them suddenly your work is a
23:10
back seat suddenly your friends are a
23:12
backseat and
23:13
if you know you have that tendency to
23:16
just
23:17
suddenly start dropping things
23:19
um
23:20
i think that’s a warning sign
23:23
i have always
23:25
thought that the way that we get
23:27
attracted to people in unhealthy ways
23:30
and invest in unhealthy ways
23:34
has a lot of parallels in the way that
23:37
people behave around celebrities
23:40
yeah
23:42
when we
23:44
have a favorite celebrity
23:47
we often
23:50
like them or admire them
23:52
for a
23:53
some pretty one-dimensional reasons
23:56
right
23:58
your favorite musician you really like
24:01
probably because they’re really great at
24:04
being a musician
24:06
they play that guitar really well or
24:08
they have an amazing voice or you really
24:10
like their songs
24:13
your favorite actor you like because
24:16
they play a role really well in a movie
24:18
they’re a great actor
24:25
this has almost nothing to do with who
24:27
they are as a person because you don’t
24:29
know who they are as a person
24:32
and it certainly has nothing to do with
24:35
what they’re investing in you
24:37
because they don’t even know you
24:40
and yet
24:43
when someone meets their favorite
24:45
celebrity
24:47
what celebrities are used to is that
24:49
that person falls over themselves
24:52
to
24:53
try to
24:55
meet that celebrity
24:57
impress them
24:59
they’d do anything for them
25:01
they’d go out of their way in completely
25:03
unreasonable ways for that celebrity
25:09
so
25:10
what’s that really about it’s about
25:12
overvaluing this quality
25:16
in a person
25:17
and deciding how much we like them when
25:20
we really have no idea who they even are
25:23
now
25:24
let’s bring it back to the to people’s
25:27
love lives for a moment people could say
25:30
well i i have i’ve seen this person like
25:32
a ha two or three times now and and it’s
25:35
not just their looks
25:37
you know i really like them
25:39
i think they’re a really interesting
25:40
person i think well you have to
25:43
understand that it’s still
25:45
kind of one-dimensional
25:47
even if you think they’re really
25:48
interesting and they’ve been great on a
25:50
date you’re still seeing them in very
25:52
few dimensions
25:55
you don’t know a lot about them
25:57
so you have to ask yourself
25:59
how much interest is is truly rational
26:03
right now for how well i know this
26:05
person
26:06
and
26:08
and what are some of the mistakes that i
26:10
could make if i overvalue this person
26:13
right now well i start giving up
26:16
every night of the week
26:18
i start bombarding their phone with
26:20
messages and when they don’t text me
26:21
back i send another one
26:25
i
26:26
respond to last minute requests
26:28
constantly from them
26:30
because i just want to be near them so
26:32
even if i had other plans
26:34
at the last minute i’ll drop whatever it
26:36
is i have going on in order to see them
26:40
i’ll do anything i can just to be near
26:43
them i ignore the fact that i’m giving
26:45
and they’re taking
26:47
that they’re just taking and taking and
26:49
taking i’m just giving giving giving
26:51
because i just want to get closer and
26:52
closer and closer
26:55
and when people see these things
26:58
they start to get concerned
27:02
that
27:02
well this person well perhaps hey i get
27:05
concerned oh this i’m starting to get a
27:07
strange feeling here
27:09
i don’t know if this person’s
27:11
giving me this this person can’t be
27:13
giving me all this attention because
27:14
i’ve earned it because i haven’t
27:18
and it can’t be because i’m giving them
27:19
so much back because i’m not
27:23
so
27:23
this must be to do with their value now
27:26
it must be to do with the fact that
27:27
either they don’t really value
27:29
themselves which isn’t attractive yeah
27:32
or it’s to do with the fact that they’ve
27:34
overvalued me which means they’re not
27:36
really seeing me
27:38
or it’s to do with the fact that what
27:39
they want has nothing to do with me
27:43
what they want is a relationship
27:47
what they want is a goal whatever their
27:48
goal is but it has very little to do
27:50
with me
27:51
yeah and that’s starting to creep me out
27:53
because i’m now feeling detached from
27:56
from any real connection with this
27:57
person
27:59
all i’m really seeing is someone who’s
28:00
driving after a goal and a preset agenda
28:03
that they have
28:04
that existed before they met me
28:09
so we can solve that by
28:14
if we decide we like someone there’s
28:16
nothing wrong with showing that you like
28:19
someone a little bit
28:23
you have to give them a little bit
28:26
but you don’t necessarily have to give
28:28
them more than that
28:31
and even if you say yeah but i’m so
28:33
attracted to this person
28:35
you can be
28:36
so attracted to this person
28:39
but how attracted you are and what
28:40
boundaries you have are very different
28:42
things
28:44
being so attracted doesn’t have to mean
28:47
having no boundaries
28:51
you can still say yeah i am i am
28:54
massively attracted to someone you can
28:55
even say that to someone
28:58
but it doesn’t mean that you’re willing
29:00
to see them every night of the week
29:03
it doesn’t mean that you’re gonna chase
29:05
them
29:07
it doesn’t mean that if you see behavior
29:10
you don’t like you’re not going to call
29:11
it out
29:14
it doesn’t mean they’re going to get
29:15
more of your attention unless they start
29:17
showing you more of their attention
29:20
this is this is the fundamental mistake
29:23
people make
29:26
be
29:27
wildly attracted to someone
29:29
think someone is incredibly sexy you
29:31
know what’s powerful
29:33
someone knowing that you think they’re
29:34
incredibly sexy and attractive and also
29:36
knowing that that has no effect on your
29:38
behavior when it comes down to what
29:40
choices you make oh yeah that’s
29:42
incredibly powerful if people see that
29:44
like that doesn’t even that’s not enough
29:47
for them to compromise their
29:48
self-respect or they’ll still put up
29:50
boundaries
29:51
or express when they disagree it’s like
29:54
man they’re not controlled by that
29:56
emotion
29:57
and that’s what makes someone a powerful
29:59
person
30:00
is oh you’re not going to override your
30:03
own
30:04
what’s good for you
30:07
because you’re attracted to me and that
30:09
doesn’t mean that someone needs to know
30:11
all of the ways that you’re really
30:12
attracted to them right now they can get
30:14
to know that a little more slowly
30:16
but ultimately it’s about
30:18
it’s about measuring
30:21
it’s about seeing everything in its
30:22
proper place
30:24
i am not gonna i can’t if i’m valuing
30:27
things right then
30:28
the fact that i you score a nine for me
30:31
in the physical attraction box
30:33
doesn’t change the fact that i
30:36
you’re not even a two yet in terms of
30:39
being there for me in difficult
30:41
situations
30:43
or
30:44
connecting with me on the deepest
30:45
possible level of accepting my flaws and
30:49
my darker side and who i am
30:52
how could you possibly be scoring
30:53
anything on that scale right now i
30:55
haven’t told you any of that stuff
30:58
i haven’t even shown you the worst parts
31:00
of me
31:01
i haven’t even given you a chance to
31:03
accept the more difficult parts of me
31:05
yet so how could i possibly know whether
31:07
you
31:08
you’re right for me on that level
31:11
i can’t
31:13
so
31:14
while i get to know
31:17
what
31:18
we could be in all of these really major
31:20
categories
31:23
i may demonstrate that i like you
31:26
but that’s not going to be met by an
31:27
incredible amount of investment
31:30
i’m still gonna give you a little bit
31:32
and see
31:33
if you meet me there
31:38
but if if what you do when you’re
31:40
interested in someone is give
31:42
and give and give and then they take
31:47
and then you give you don’t wait to see
31:50
if they give back you just start giving
31:52
again
31:53
yeah that’s what starts to creep someone
31:55
out
31:56
yeah
31:57
because they go oh oh what’s going on
32:00
here why i just took
32:02
and i didn’t give anything back now they
32:05
may not consciously realize this a lot
32:07
of people won’t consciously realize it
32:08
because sometimes when we’re around
32:10
someone who gives a lot the instinct is
32:11
to take
32:13
the instinct is just to enjoy what
32:14
they’re giving but
32:16
we will unconsciously begin to take it
32:18
for granted what they’re giving and when
32:20
we take something for granted
32:22
it we don’t associate with earning it
32:26
and so we just wait for it to come to us
32:28
yeah we might even be repelled by it
32:30
because we go oh this feels icky
32:33
i’m not i’m not even giving to this
32:35
situation and this person keeps giving
32:38
there’s something icky about this and
32:40
then we get a bad feeling and then we
32:42
start to drift away
32:44
because something about this situation
32:46
gives us a bad feeling because something
32:48
about someone giving and giving and
32:50
giving and giving even though we’re not
32:52
giving back
32:53
feels
32:54
unreliable
32:56
yeah it feels like a manipulation
33:00
it feels like
33:02
someone who’s not stable
33:05
it feels like someone who doesn’t have
33:07
rules in place
33:10
and all of these things
33:13
can can make us a little afraid
33:17
i can’t trust a person who doesn’t have
33:20
any boundaries around themselves
33:23
i can’t i can’t trust that they’ll do
33:25
what’s right for themselves
33:27
i can’t trust that their feelings around
33:29
me are real
33:31
because if their feelings around me were
33:33
real
33:35
they should be turned off by this
33:39
yeah this should have affected the
33:41
situation
33:43
but it hasn’t so what are their feelings
33:46
based on
33:48
oh there’s something else going on with
33:51
this person
33:53
there’s some other stuff i don’t know
33:55
about i’m i’m
33:56
i’m not aware of
34:00
there’s a side of this person that’s
34:02
that’s that’s not good that’s dark or
34:04
unhappy or
34:06
or
34:07
desperate
34:08
or hurt
34:10
or
34:11
trying to fix something that has nothing
34:13
to do with me and all of that feels like
34:16
ish
34:18
yeah yeah
34:19
i’m gonna push i’m gonna push away here
34:22
and fundamentally they don’t feel like
34:23
they have to raise their game around you
34:25
they’re just like it doesn’t matter what
34:27
i do
34:28
so i yep i don’t feel that that hunger
34:31
that drive around them to
34:33
be my better self
34:36
people
34:38
love to buy
34:41
they hate to be sold
34:46
people love to buy
34:48
they hate to be sold
34:52
steve
34:54
it could be an exciting thing if we were
34:56
suddenly like
35:00
should we go like why don’t we go on a
35:02
on a shopping spree today let’s go buy
35:04
some really cool [ __ ]
35:06
and we went out with that intention that
35:09
would be exciting
35:11
if we walked through a marketplace
35:14
on the very same day and people were
35:17
like come into my store come into my
35:19
store i’ve got these things you’re
35:21
really gonna like come come come
35:24
all of a sudden we’d be like get me out
35:26
of here
35:29
same thing
35:30
it’s just an exchange of money
35:33
but in the latter scenario
35:35
you physically want to remove yourself
35:38
from that space
35:42
when we try too hard because we like
35:45
someone
35:46
they start feeling like they’re being
35:48
sold
35:51
we’re not giving them the space to sell
35:53
themselves on us
35:57
when i have an amazing date with you
36:00
and then i tell you i had a great time
36:02
but then i create some space and i see
36:04
if you come forward to meet me
36:06
where i am
36:07
i’m giving you space to sell yourself
36:11
i’m giving you room to miss me
36:13
i’m giving you room to think about me
36:16
and this is true
36:18
on every level
36:20
this this can be true within a
36:22
relationship
36:24
if your partner goes away for an hour or
36:26
two if you’ve been together all day and
36:28
your partner goes away for an hour or
36:29
two if you text them every second
36:32
of the time that you’re apart
36:35
you’re not giving them space to just
36:37
think about you
36:39
and i don’t i know you’re making them
36:41
think about you but you’re making them
36:43
think about you in a as an aggressive
36:46
act
36:49
i’m putting myself on your mind every
36:51
second of the next two hours
36:53
but what if i took a step back and i
36:55
said i’m gonna let you think about me
36:57
now on your terms
37:01
i’m gonna allow you to imagine me to
37:03
think about me to process your thoughts
37:06
about me i’m going to give you the space
37:09
to do that
37:12
now by the way if you do that and
37:14
someone never comes forward if if all
37:17
they do is disappear that’s different
37:21
that’s different then the next time they
37:23
come back into your life you have to be
37:24
willing to say if it’s four weeks later
37:27
you know
37:29
you you have to be willing to call them
37:31
out on the fact that they disappeared
37:32
for four weeks
37:33
right i thought we had a great date i
37:36
didn’t you know i i yeah yeah you
37:38
vanished what happened
37:40
you know you can say that but
37:42
but on a smaller scale
37:45
we have to create those spaces
37:48
for people to sell themselves on us
37:51
yes
37:52
space is powerful space giving someone
37:54
space to
37:56
assess think about it miss something
37:59
get desire up there’s a lot going on
38:02
there and by the way when you’re
38:04
creating that space what are you doing
38:07
when you’ve given them space
38:10
what are you do finding yourself doing
38:13
are you just the person who’s now
38:14
sitting there waiting i hope they’re
38:16
thinking about me i hope they’re doing
38:18
something that’s real you know they’re
38:20
gonna text me any minute now and you’re
38:22
you’ve created space but it’s all just a
38:24
ruse you’re sitting there by your phone
38:26
simply waiting for the next time that
38:28
they text
38:30
or are you someone who is
38:32
showing
38:33
that you have your own life
38:37
your own things that you value
38:41
do you have your own opinions on things
38:44
are your opinions just their opinions do
38:47
you have your own sense of self
38:50
do you have autonomy over your own
38:53
happiness
38:55
a sense of self validation
38:58
a sense of boundaries these are the
39:01
things that make someone attracted
39:05
even when you’re showing interest
39:08
because i am showing that my whole world
39:11
isn’t whether you like me or not i like
39:14
you but i can move on
39:17
the moment i realize you’re not there
39:19
with me because
39:21
i i have autonomy over my life and my
39:24
happiness
39:25
my
39:26
moods my direction of travel
39:31
not in a fearful way
39:33
not in a you you didn’t text me for a
39:36
day so i just assumed you didn’t like me
39:38
and i’m out you know that’s fearful
39:41
that’s that’s another form of
39:44
protectionism i’m i’m so guarded that
39:47
the moment i even feel slightly
39:50
threatened i’m like uh you know
39:52
i i jump out of my skin
39:56
right that’s not
39:58
that that’s not safety that’s not
40:00
autonomy over my own mood my confidence
40:03
it’s
40:04
oh if i sense that that
40:06
you know i like you and
40:08
you know i’m i have a curiosity about
40:10
you and where this could go and i’ve
40:12
expressed an interest in seeing you
40:14
again but i’m not feeling the same as
40:16
the same thing from you
40:18
then
40:20
slowly
40:22
my attention starts to find
40:25
homes in you know my attention returns
40:28
to other things in my life
40:30
that space that was that little space
40:33
that had opened up for that possibility
40:36
begins to shift to something else
40:40
that’s
40:42
how you remain valuable while you’re
40:44
showing
40:45
interest
40:46
in somebody else
40:48
ultimately when two
40:50
well-balanced
40:52
healthy people
40:56
who want the same thing
40:58
are attracted to each other
41:01
progress is an organic thing
41:06
progress
41:07
is natural
41:09
if it feels
41:11
unnatural
41:12
either because it’s too fast
41:16
or it’s static
41:18
or
41:19
frankly someone disappears
41:24
it’s the result
41:25
of
41:28
either mismatched intentions
41:32
or an emotionally
41:36
unhealthy or hurt person on one side of
41:40
the equation
41:42
whether it’s them in their ability to
41:44
receive interest
41:46
or ours
41:49
in the
41:50
inorganic
41:52
or destructive way that we demonstrate
41:55
interest
42:02
why are so many people unhappily single
42:04
i had a
42:05
uh one of my members say to me on a
42:08
webinar recently
42:10
i decided nine months ago to start
42:13
looking again for
42:15
love for a partner and
42:18
nine months in i still haven’t met
42:20
anyone i’m starting to get frustrated
42:21
i’m starting to
42:22
lose hope and just
42:24
i start to wonder why i’m still doing
42:26
this and in her tone i could tell that
42:29
she was a
42:30
quite a goal-oriented type a person
42:34
and that because she wasn’t getting the
42:36
result she was getting very frustrated
42:39
of course our love life isn’t an area we
42:41
can control in quite the same way that
42:44
we can other things we can have a
42:46
huge degree of influence on the
42:48
direction of our love life but we can’t
42:50
control if the right person comes into
42:52
our life this week or next week we just
42:55
have to keep putting ourselves in the
42:56
right spot doing the right things and
42:59
know that at some point that will be a
43:01
byproduct the challenge is how to enjoy
43:05
the journey along the way
43:07
whilst it’s not happening and we have to
43:11
go from basing our happiness around
43:13
getting the result around meeting the
43:14
person
43:15
to
43:17
expanding our lives in what in pursuit
43:20
perhaps or not even in pursuit of that
43:23
makes it sound like that’s the only goal
43:25
we have to expand our lives knowing that
43:28
meeting the right person may be a
43:30
byproduct of expanding our lives i know
43:33
this isn’t the greatest time in history
43:35
to expand our lives when everything
43:38
that’s been going on in the last year
43:40
has sort of contracted our lives but
43:42
that doesn’t mean there aren’t things we
43:44
can do we have to still look for the
43:46
ways that we can be creative in
43:48
expanding our lives and i want to give
43:50
you three
43:51
potential ways of looking at this three
43:53
things you could do one way to expand
43:55
our lives is to look at the needs that
43:57
we have to meet every week you know for
43:59
me i need to
44:01
meet the need for learning new things
44:02
that’s like a real basic need for me is
44:05
that i want to learn more i’m curious
44:07
and i always want to be learning i have
44:09
the need to train you know i like
44:11
training i like working out i like
44:13
staying in shape so i have that need i
44:16
have the need for connection with other
44:17
human beings what’s a way to meet those
44:20
needs that is outside my comfort zone or
44:23
just something that i don’t normally do
44:25
in january you know my friend lewis
44:27
howes he invited me to go do that ice
44:29
retreat with wim hof for five days with
44:32
a group of ten guys
44:34
absolutely not my cup of tea not
44:36
something i would do for enjoyment
44:38
jumping into frozen lakes and doing 10
44:40
minute ice baths that is not my idea of
44:43
a good time although i did have an
44:44
amazing time and i’m so glad i went i
44:47
could have said to louis you know what i
44:48
know this is going to be great for me
44:50
and it’s good physical exercise but
44:53
i just you know i’ve got jiu jitsu that
44:55
week and that’s the thing i always do
44:56
that’s my routine i’m just going to
44:58
stick to that sticking to that can be a
45:00
major limitation and doing that retreat
45:03
with those guys has led to a completely
45:06
new friendship group in my life as a
45:08
result and of course a new set of skills
45:11
new knowledge new neural pathways has so
45:14
many benefits but it’s led to the new
45:16
ask yourself what way of meeting my old
45:21
and consistent needs could lead me to
45:25
the new i’m still meeting my needs but
45:27
i’m meeting them in different ways than
45:29
i’ve become accustomed to number two
45:32
start saying yes to the invites of
45:34
people that you don’t normally say yes
45:36
to so that you’re not just hanging
45:38
around the same people all the time when
45:39
that person you don’t see that often
45:41
says hey this thing’s going on if you
45:42
wanted to come instead of being like oh
45:45
no i i i
45:46
don’t know i’m kind of busy actually say
45:48
yes i know it’s uncomfortable i know it
45:50
can be a bit
45:52
difficult to go and be a part of
45:54
something where you don’t know anybody
45:55
but that’s where new friendship groups
45:58
come from explore a new world through
46:01
somebody else and if no one is inviting
46:03
you to do something new right now then
46:05
you go to someone you don’t know that
46:06
well and invite them to do something new
46:09
be the leader in the process take the
46:11
lead and number three
46:13
the 90-minute challenge
46:16
let me explain this travel i think is
46:18
one of the greatest ways to expand our
46:19
lives but so many people can’t travel
46:22
right now travel has become more
46:23
difficult the 90-minute challenge is
46:26
find the adventure find the way that you
46:29
can be a tourist within a 90-minute
46:31
driving radius of where you live have
46:33
you ever had that experience of going
46:34
and doing something close to where you
46:36
live and going i can’t believe this
46:38
exists
46:39
within an hour or an hour and a half of
46:41
my house i never knew this was here this
46:43
is beautiful this is stunning this is
46:45
amazing
46:46
go do that thing
46:48
now look i’m not saying that when you go
46:51
do that thing
46:53
you’ll meet the right person there right
46:55
you might go there and there’s no one
46:56
there that’s not the point the point is
46:58
to expand the point is to to enlarge
47:02
your world if in the next three years
47:05
you don’t meet anyone as a result of
47:06
doing this there is nothing that i’ve
47:09
talked about that you will regret you
47:10
will still look at those three years as
47:12
three of the most amazing beautiful
47:15
mind-expanding world-expanding
47:18
friendship expanding years of your life
47:21
but i also believe that if you take this
47:23
approach to life
47:25
that
47:26
it makes meeting someone as close to
47:30
inevitable
47:31
as possible do not allow your life to
47:33
contract
47:35
make a commitment to expansion so that
47:38
you can be one of those people who can
47:41
be happily single
47:43
but also hopeful
47:45
of who might come do you want to change
47:47
your life
47:48
go to this video now make your reaction
47:51
to things something somebody wants to
47:53
experience i don’t think your power
47:56
is in having sex with a man your power
47:59
is in what you do afterwards having
48:01
standards is confidence
48:03
knowing how to communicate them is
48:05
competence

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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The post If You Want To Find the Perfect Guy, Watch This [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.